Well duh, I have a whole freaking blog about it... I'm sorry, I just can't be funny on this one.
As I approach two months of knowing that I have Cancer it is starting to really hit home. What's odd is that I don't seem to think too much about myself, but I think more so about what I could potentially miss.
Let's say I live 10 years, which honestly is a long time, that puts Alma at 12 and Edmund at 14. That means I miss high school graduations, college graduations, weddings, grand children. Hell, even if I get a miracle and live 20 years I still could miss weddings and grandchildren. Real talk, I am currently sitting here in tears thinking about not getting to walk my little Alma down the aisle.
On the flip side, if I only live 2 to 5 years, what trips with my beautiful wife will I miss. What countries will I not get to see, what reaches of the world will I not get to introduce my kids to. Will I get to teach Ed and Al drums, how to cook, or how to snowboard.
I know I have said this before, but I firmly believe that when I do pass I meet my maker. I am oddly at peace with death. It's the wake I leave behind that I really struggle with. I know that Kim and the kids will be well taken care of by our friends and family. It's the fact that Ed and Al won't have their father, and that Kim will be without her partner that I struggle with. And that just sucks.
That is why I ask God to heal me. Whether it is supernaturally, or the wisdom of medical professionals. Cause damn it I want to live, I want to beat the fucking odds. I want to:
- Take my kids to drum lessons.
- Hear their first band.
- Take Kim to see Italy.
- Show my kids how big this world is.
- Watch my kids walk down various aisles.
- Meet my grandchildren.
- Be a grumpy but kind grandfather, just like mine.
Here is the weird part of all of this. I can still sing, "It is well with my soul." That amidst all this mess I am closer to the God I believe in, and I finally get that verse Paul wrote that says, "To live is Christ, and to die is gain." Honestly, that verse sounded cool, but didn't have much gravity. That verse just transformed when I was told that I have cancer. I realize that not everyone reading this blog believes in Jesus, but to be honest my faith and relationship with him is half the reason I am even doing this well.
An Assignment - Watch a feel good movie with someone you love. Hold them close to you and just be.