After my last post I finally worked up the courage to reach out to my old friend Brian. It ended up with an exchange of our individual experiences with Cancer and how we are processing it. My friend Brian brought up an interesting thought. Being that he still has his tumor he wants to think of it as a chronic disease and not as Cancer. As a results he doesn’t like, “the stigma of ‘fighting/battling’ Cancer,” that he has, “made a conscious decision that what motivates (him) is love, not fear or anger.” I couldn’t agree more, but it leaves me a bit conflicted as the title of my blog is Josh’s Fight.
That internal conflict lead me to ask what am I fighting? Who am I fighting for? Should I change the name of my blog? Those are all really good questions to consider, so I shall process them here.
Right off that bat, simply based on the type of Cancer I have I really am not fighting Cancer. I would say that outside of a medical or supernatural miracle I know that my days are numbered. So I see my medical process as a way to extend that number, that the doctors and nurses I interact with on a weekly basis are working to give me the most time I can have on this earth. Hell, how about a shoutout to all the doctors and nurses that dedicate their lives to helping others. So, if I am not fighting Cancer then what am I fighting?
I would say I am fighting for understanding. As I have mentioned before, I am pursuing counselling to help me come to terms both with the process of dying, as well as trying to live a life where the cloud of Cancer isn't floating right above my head. I fight for peace of mind. I still struggle with the thought of leaving my family behind so I work on processing that, believing that they will be well taken care of after I am gone.
I fight for my friends and family. I fight for more days with them. For more conversations about work, about kids, about their passions in life. One thing that I am working on, is trying to talk less about myself and be first to ask questions. Trust me, for a loud-mouthed German-Irish kid from Chicago that is a fight in itself.
And honestly, I am fighting for you the reader. Oh no, fourth wall broken! While this blog is part of my processing procedure my greater hope is that you will get something out of it. That as a result of reading, you will love yourself more, love others more, take risks may have otherwise not taken. If I only have 2 years more left in my live I want to give you the 50+ years I lost, so you live your lives to the fullest.
An Assignment - As I scan this post I realize that I am fighting to live my life well. And honestly, I think we should all be doing that. So, I guess my assignment is for you to think through the things that you should fight for in order to live your life to the fullest.