Let me start off this post with some good news. My most recent MRI was great! What that means is that damage done by radiation is still clearing up, and there is no sign of recurrence. I know I have said this before, but those with my type of cancer usually have a recurrence a year after surgery and I am just over a year and a half so that is awesome.
I have been done with treatment for almost 3 months and what I have found out is that being in the throes of treatment distracts you from other things going on in your life and around you. When that distraction goes away your collective reality slap you in the face and you find yourself quite bewildered. And tired. And depress. And angry. And ________.
For a while, I just tried to live with all these feelings and basically ignore them. Oddly enough didn't know why I was in such a slump. I remember saying to my wife I didn't know why I was feeling so off. So, as some people do, I scheduled an appointment with my Therapist to talk things through.
When we met I started the meeting with the same thing I said to my wife. After that, I started rattling through all the craziness that was happening around me, and once I was done I said, "well, I guess I do know why I am down."
One thing I discussed with my therapist was that I found myself getting angry about my diagnosis and that I felt ashamed for being angry. One of the reasons I felt shame was that I have been trying to keep things positive and I thought that being angry from time to time was the opposite of that and wasn't the right thing to do. And so in much gentler terms, my therapist told me that was a stupid thought. He reminded me that anger is a part of processing grief and that as long as I didn't fall into a slump of anger and I processed that anger that it is ok for me to be angry about what I was going through.
You may be thinking, "shoot, I need to go cheer Josh up," and while I appreciate that thought, I am glad to say that I am working through the range of emotions. I am meeting regularly with my therapist, I am taking drugs to help me navigate my feelings, and I am enjoying my life.
It is a weird thing to think about how I don't know when I will kick the bucket. It may be next year, it may be 50 years from now. What I do know this that if I work through all the things going on in my life well then I will enjoy my life throughout the ups and downs and through happy times and sad. I will live for my wife, my kids, my family, my friends, strangers, and most of all my God. So, even if there is this Cancer Cloud lurking nearby, I will continue to look towards the sun and silverlinings.